Tyler Kaine

My precious boy...Tyler Kaine.

As I sit here and think about this, my heart is in such turmoil. At times in life, you think, how could God pick me as this child's mom....but the one thing that I have learned that for some reason God thinks that we are best mom for our children. Yes, in our humanness, we can look at other mom's and say, wow, she's amazing and maybe she would be better for my child...and I am not fit for this calling. But, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God gave you your kids for a reason and you are the best mom for your children!! Embrace it!

Since Saturday, life has turned upside down for our family! Poor Tyler, has been a raging, angry, out of control little boy. I just look at him and break down in tears. The poor thing, is trying to save his life, breathing for an ounce of air, thinking that the world around him is literally caving in. All of his mechanisms are working overtime. I have not been able to take care of him on my own. Markus has had to protect me and step in the line of fire and take the heat. Markus has been the shield for me, Abi, and the dog. It truthfully has been the scariest thing we have ever had to deal with. I have thought more than once, that we can't handle anymore of this and must submit him to a psych hospital. But, somehow God continues to give Markus and I enough strength for that moment.

I am so extremely grateful for such a grace filled husband, willing to do anything for our family. We surely cannot afford for him to have basically taken the week off of work, but sometimes family needs us more than money. I have faith that somehow, someway God will provide our every need. He is a God who provides, a God who gives strength, and a God who showers us with grace and mercy. He is a God who meets us right where we are at and holds our hand and walks us through the valley of the shadow of death.

I know that God has been preparing me for this journey this last week. A month ago, He really impressed upon my heart the need to draw closer to Him, trust Him more, lean on Him for my strength, walk with Him throughout my days. I had written this in my journal, not really knowing what was coming or why I needed to trust God more. I don't know how I would have survived this week had I not taken the "challenge" and listened to God Almighty. He knows our every need. He sees our every step. He wants to walk with you. He wants to love you. He wants to know you more. Are you willing to take that next step?

Here are some pictures of my precious boy...when he was happy!

I love you my precious Tyler. God is holding you and He loves you more than you will ever know.

Love, Mommy

The good with the bad

I have felt guilty for not blogging. I guess life has just been trying these last few months and I'm trying to wrap my brain around it all. I don't particularly like blogging about the difficult times of life, but frankly that is where I am at right now.

After being diagnosed with fibromyalgia in November it really changed life for me, for us. I move slower and I just can't do as much as I did. It's been a loss for me. I feel that part of me is gone. I'm trying to live with this new life. I've had lots more time to think....that could be good and bad! Then this past month, I had been in much pain and dealt with severe nausea and vomiting. After several doctors appointments, it appears I have an ulcer. Stress...maybe? Medicine for the pain...maybe? So, I decided to go the natural route to try and repair it and give in an go and try acupuncture. I've heard amazing things, I'm just a big chicken. So I am going and my mom's going to hold my hand!

On top of all the health issues I have been dealing with, it's been a hard season with Tyler. Constant. I have very little relief from him. We keep changing his meds, trying to get some good changes happening. After several months of raging fits, severe aggression and anger, and obsessiveness I think we are heading on the right track. Thankfully, he has an amazing doctor who hasn't given up and sees us each month and has noticed my tiredness the last few months and continues to try new things. I'm seeing a light!

Markus and I have had lots of conversations about life's big questions.....what are we here on Earth for? What is our purpose in this life? Who are we? What does Amber like? What does Amber want to do? What does Markus want to do? What's our mission as family, as parents, as wife, as husband, as individuals? Feeling like we are in a huge turning point. Felt like we really lived the "American dream" while we owned our own business for 10 years. We had it all. We lived. We had kids. And now we don't have that anymore. So now what? We kind of feel out of place. It's weird and ackward for us to think these things after being married for almost 14 years and only in our mid thirties and our kids are only 6 and 8. Doesn't this happen when people are in there 40's and their kids are almost out of the house or they are in there 20's looking at life ahead of them??? Needless to say, lots of sturring in our hearts. Lots of deep conversations. Lots of prayer. Lots of crying. Lots of questions.

Continuing to persevere! Thankfully, God has a perfect plan! I'm walking along the path with Him as He shows me step by step where to go. It's a slow process, and sometimes we want changes overnight, but life doesn't work that way. Bummer!

I was able to join MOPS again. I love that place! It's a place where I am accepted, loved, and I can be me! It's comfortable! We are doing a bible study called Intentional Women! How fitting...see God has His plan set out perfectly! Learning from our past, exploring what our current life looks like, and how can we live intentionally for the future to continue to be shaped into the daughter the King has created me to be. I love it! I did the same study back in 2005 and it's so fun to see where I was then and now!

So I will leave you with some encouraging thoughts, that I have written on 3x5 cards that I have all over the house, that may help you on your journey in this life....

"You are either living your mission or you are living someone else's. Which shall it be?"

"I wonder if He could not fill my cup because I already had it full with my personal agenda. I wanted to accomplish great things for God, but I had my own ideas. Perhaps He is waiting for me to empty the unusable contents so He could pour in His plan"

"My grace is enough; its all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness."

"Desperate I throw myself on You; you are my God! Hour by hour I place my days in Your hand, safe from the hands out to get me. Warm me, your servant, with a smile; because you love me."

For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'"

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE!"

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track."

Blessings to you,
Amber