Summer 2011

Summer is slowly coming to a close around our house. Abi and I started homeschooling last week and Tyler starts his new school on September 8.

This summer was fun! It was the year, both kids realized that it's summer for the first time - a time of fun, relaxation, and no school...so we embraced it full on! It was filled with play dates, pool time, sleepovers, learning to ride a bike, park days, sleeping in and staying up late, beach days, soccer classes, a visit from the tooth fairy, clay classes, and camps - all sprinkled with love and lots of memories!

First stop - Scottsdale, Arizona for our annual family trip with my family. We had a light group this time - only Mom and Dad, Rebekah, and Lauren and the 2 kids. We surely missed every one else. The week was full of laughter, lots of hot sun, pool, movies, and some  relaxation.

We managed an Angel's baseball game with some friends.

Playdates with some good friends and silly times-

Movie in the park with Grammy-

Jewelry Making with Grandpa-

Airshow, Picnic, and Rides at the OC Great Park-

Lots of riding bikes and park days-

Fun Water Day at Church-

Special Camp for Special Kids for 2 weeks all day for Tyler-

Family dinner dates by the ocean-

Celebrating our 14 year anniversary at the Sawdust Festival, Dinner, and time at the beach during sunset-

Summer 2011 has come to a close. Now to start back to real life, with real responsibilities, school, schedules, and new memories.

Holding

God is precious. He has been holding me for months now with a sweetness and a grace.


In January, God was nudging me to draw closer to Him. I wrote this in my journal on February 3, 2011..."Right now I have a deeper yearning to know God more, to trust Him truly without a shadow of a doubt that He will protect and provide for me. It's just in the past week that I have had this desire and I don't know why or for what reason, but I'm following my heart."


So since then I have embraced that calling and have been doing just that....drawing closer to Him, trusting Him, knowing He is my all!


I also embraced this verse and made changes accordingly... Romans 12:1-2 - So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.


It has been a hard season - one of tears, ups and downs, turmoil, fighting for wholeness, breaking through the chains, but God is holding me and making Himself known more and more.


"You never need to doubt if I am in the midst of your circumstances. No matter how hot the fire seems, the flames will not scorch you as long as I am present. I am here now with you, ready to cool you off and keep you calm as we walk through this trial together. Remember I did not put you in a fire to burn you out. Trust me with your troubled heart and watch me do wonders for you in the midst of the hottest flames." 


Psalms 62:1 - My souls finds rest in God alone!


Psalms 57:1 - Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge.  - "Make God your refuge. Not your job, your spouse, your reputation, or your retirement account. Make God your refuge. Let Him encircle you. Let Him be the ceiling that breaks the sunshine, the walls that stop the wind, the foundation on which you stand." -Max Lucado


As we fully, whole-heartedly yield our lives to Him, He then redirects our steps, our thoughts, our motives. He molds us to the person He created and cherishes and wants the very best for His precious child. I see my heart rejoicing. I see joy in some of my days. I see hope mostly. I see God's love for me, a weak vessel of His, wondering, but yielding whole-heartedly. The more I trust, the more He answers my deepest cries and the more I see Him and feel His very presence.


"When we come to God, we make requests; we don't make demands. We come with high hopes and a humble heart. We state what we want, but we pray for what is right. And if God gives us the prison of Rome instead of the mission of Spain, we accept it because we know, 'God will always give what is right to His people who cry to Him night and day, and He will not be slow to answer them.' (Luke 18:7) We go to Him. We bow before Him, and we trust in Him." (Lucado) 


Will you go, bow, and trust?

Tyler Kaine

My precious boy...Tyler Kaine.

As I sit here and think about this, my heart is in such turmoil. At times in life, you think, how could God pick me as this child's mom....but the one thing that I have learned that for some reason God thinks that we are best mom for our children. Yes, in our humanness, we can look at other mom's and say, wow, she's amazing and maybe she would be better for my child...and I am not fit for this calling. But, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God gave you your kids for a reason and you are the best mom for your children!! Embrace it!

Since Saturday, life has turned upside down for our family! Poor Tyler, has been a raging, angry, out of control little boy. I just look at him and break down in tears. The poor thing, is trying to save his life, breathing for an ounce of air, thinking that the world around him is literally caving in. All of his mechanisms are working overtime. I have not been able to take care of him on my own. Markus has had to protect me and step in the line of fire and take the heat. Markus has been the shield for me, Abi, and the dog. It truthfully has been the scariest thing we have ever had to deal with. I have thought more than once, that we can't handle anymore of this and must submit him to a psych hospital. But, somehow God continues to give Markus and I enough strength for that moment.

I am so extremely grateful for such a grace filled husband, willing to do anything for our family. We surely cannot afford for him to have basically taken the week off of work, but sometimes family needs us more than money. I have faith that somehow, someway God will provide our every need. He is a God who provides, a God who gives strength, and a God who showers us with grace and mercy. He is a God who meets us right where we are at and holds our hand and walks us through the valley of the shadow of death.

I know that God has been preparing me for this journey this last week. A month ago, He really impressed upon my heart the need to draw closer to Him, trust Him more, lean on Him for my strength, walk with Him throughout my days. I had written this in my journal, not really knowing what was coming or why I needed to trust God more. I don't know how I would have survived this week had I not taken the "challenge" and listened to God Almighty. He knows our every need. He sees our every step. He wants to walk with you. He wants to love you. He wants to know you more. Are you willing to take that next step?

Here are some pictures of my precious boy...when he was happy!

I love you my precious Tyler. God is holding you and He loves you more than you will ever know.

Love, Mommy

The good with the bad

I have felt guilty for not blogging. I guess life has just been trying these last few months and I'm trying to wrap my brain around it all. I don't particularly like blogging about the difficult times of life, but frankly that is where I am at right now.

After being diagnosed with fibromyalgia in November it really changed life for me, for us. I move slower and I just can't do as much as I did. It's been a loss for me. I feel that part of me is gone. I'm trying to live with this new life. I've had lots more time to think....that could be good and bad! Then this past month, I had been in much pain and dealt with severe nausea and vomiting. After several doctors appointments, it appears I have an ulcer. Stress...maybe? Medicine for the pain...maybe? So, I decided to go the natural route to try and repair it and give in an go and try acupuncture. I've heard amazing things, I'm just a big chicken. So I am going and my mom's going to hold my hand!

On top of all the health issues I have been dealing with, it's been a hard season with Tyler. Constant. I have very little relief from him. We keep changing his meds, trying to get some good changes happening. After several months of raging fits, severe aggression and anger, and obsessiveness I think we are heading on the right track. Thankfully, he has an amazing doctor who hasn't given up and sees us each month and has noticed my tiredness the last few months and continues to try new things. I'm seeing a light!

Markus and I have had lots of conversations about life's big questions.....what are we here on Earth for? What is our purpose in this life? Who are we? What does Amber like? What does Amber want to do? What does Markus want to do? What's our mission as family, as parents, as wife, as husband, as individuals? Feeling like we are in a huge turning point. Felt like we really lived the "American dream" while we owned our own business for 10 years. We had it all. We lived. We had kids. And now we don't have that anymore. So now what? We kind of feel out of place. It's weird and ackward for us to think these things after being married for almost 14 years and only in our mid thirties and our kids are only 6 and 8. Doesn't this happen when people are in there 40's and their kids are almost out of the house or they are in there 20's looking at life ahead of them??? Needless to say, lots of sturring in our hearts. Lots of deep conversations. Lots of prayer. Lots of crying. Lots of questions.

Continuing to persevere! Thankfully, God has a perfect plan! I'm walking along the path with Him as He shows me step by step where to go. It's a slow process, and sometimes we want changes overnight, but life doesn't work that way. Bummer!

I was able to join MOPS again. I love that place! It's a place where I am accepted, loved, and I can be me! It's comfortable! We are doing a bible study called Intentional Women! How fitting...see God has His plan set out perfectly! Learning from our past, exploring what our current life looks like, and how can we live intentionally for the future to continue to be shaped into the daughter the King has created me to be. I love it! I did the same study back in 2005 and it's so fun to see where I was then and now!

So I will leave you with some encouraging thoughts, that I have written on 3x5 cards that I have all over the house, that may help you on your journey in this life....

"You are either living your mission or you are living someone else's. Which shall it be?"

"I wonder if He could not fill my cup because I already had it full with my personal agenda. I wanted to accomplish great things for God, but I had my own ideas. Perhaps He is waiting for me to empty the unusable contents so He could pour in His plan"

"My grace is enough; its all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness."

"Desperate I throw myself on You; you are my God! Hour by hour I place my days in Your hand, safe from the hands out to get me. Warm me, your servant, with a smile; because you love me."

For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'"

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE!"

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track."

Blessings to you,
Amber

Christmas Letter 2010

Instead of sending out a Christmas letter this year via mail, we are sending it via blog.

January:
We finally bought our second car. What a relief for me - the kids and I can go run errands and not be at home all the time. My clinical depression was getting the best of me and I found such freedom and a burden lifted when I had a car. Markus turned 33. Christian, Markus' brother, came for a quick visit and they went to D-Land for the day. Tyler and Abi were involved in StarPak, a Christian Musical Theater group. I went on a 4 day cruise with a dear friend for mom's who have special needs kids.

February:
I turned 33 and went on a 10 day vacation by myself and visited my good friend in Portland, my brother and his family in Portland, my college friend in Washington, and my other college friend in Montana. It was a much needed time of relaxation and reflection for me. Markus was such a supportive husband and watched the kids the whole time and even did a little school. Tyler and Markus went to Big Bear for the weekend for an Indian Guides trip.

March:

Abi celebrated her 2 best friend's birthday's! Tyler spent his days in the pool. I flew to South Carolina and helped pack my sister and we drove back home to California in 4 days! Precious time to bond as sisters.

April:
Markus went to Hawaii for a few days and visited his sick dad. A week later he went to Oklahoma for a Pre-Paid Legal National Conference. We drove to northern California and visited Markus' mom for 4 days. While at her house, we picked up boxes of Lego's that were Markus' and now Tyler spends his days creating.  Abi learned to swim in our pool - a huge accomplishment for her!

May:
Markus and I went to a Family Life Marriage Conference to prioritize our marriage and focus on each other. The kids spent the weekend with my mom. Abi started her weekly cooking class and loved learning the joy of cooking. I started my HMR diet program. Markus and Tyler went to Catalina Island for a weekend on an Indian Guides trip. Tyler had an infected tooth removed by the oral surgeon - what a trooper he was.

June:
We drove to Phoenix and spent a week with the Miller clan - all 18 of us for our annual family vacation. Bonding as a whole family is one of our  highlights of each year. We bought a boat for us to enjoy and had it docked in Newport Beach. We finished our first year of homeschooling!

July:
Markus and the kids spent the week at Mariner's Church for their VBS! I took a pottery class. Tyler spent 4 days with my dad and step-mom. Markus, Abi, and I went to Palm Springs to a Pre-Paid Legal Conference and Markus was in charge of all the lights, video, and audio. We spent a week in Kern River camping with my dad and step-mom. Tyler went to Special Camp for Special Kids for a week and had the best counselor. When we were home we spent it on the boat or in the pool.

August:
Markus and I celebrate 13 years of marriage! Markus spent two weeks in Texas expanding his Pre-Paid Legal business. Markus' mom came to visit us for 5 days and helped me in the garden. The kids and I spent most of the month in the pool. I reached my weight loss goal of 50lbs!

September:
Markus spent another 10 days in Texas. My sister and I went to Women of Faith and was challenged and encouraged by those amazing women! We even got to see my mom as she was recently hired on with WoF. Abi talked us into having a pool party/luau with 35 people complete with stage lighting.. We started our second year of homeschooling.

October:
We packed and moved within two weeks! I spent the those two weeks packing, throwing things away, selling lots of stuff on craiglist, and giving things away. We would be living an even simpler life...we would be going from a 3000 sqft house to a 1000 sqft condo.  We made it! Everything that was important to us fit and even some extras. The kids got all new furniture and a new bunk bed.

November:
Tyler turns 8! Markus and Tyler went on his dream day - deep sea fishing! After several weeks of taking 3000-4000 mg of Advil on a daily basis and then not being able to walk while at the grocery store, I finally decided to see the doctor and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I then spent the next month on the couch, not being able to really do anything. Heat was my best friend - the only relief I got from the pain. I didn't understand it at all....the wind was knocked out of me. How could this have happened to me? I had just spent several months trying to get healthier and lost 50lbs and now I am stuck on the couch in tremendous pain...what the heck?

December:
Slowly getting back to this life. I'm able to go to one place a day and then spend the rest of the day recuperating. Thankful and better for each passing day. So grateful for a one story home!! God had our lives in the palm of His hand! Ayla, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel,  joined our family as an early Christmas gift for us all. She is the sweetest thing you have ever met. She is a 2 1/2 year old that was being retired from her breeder.

Truly praying for you, our family and friends. Hoping you have a blessed Christmas and celebrate the true meaning of this time of year.

The Closing of September 2010

Oh the thought that September is coming to a close....sadness that summer is gone and yet the excitement of the holidays is coming. But, before I get ahead of myself, I want to look back...look back at what September 2010 held for our family. I find myself often just running through life, sometimes not recognizing the moment and savoring those precious memories. Life is so busy and it can be months before I stop and think what in the world have we been doing and what memories have we been making as a family.

So, here is what September 2010 looked like for our house....

We went to Chuck E Cheese for a birthday party for a close friend of ours. Gabriel or g-man as we all call him. He is the son of a dear friend of mine who has down syndrome. He is the sweetest little man. It was so fun going to CEC and celebrating another year of his life!

In school, we spent almost 3 weeks studying God's creation. We reviewed each day what God created each day. It was so exciting for me, as the mom and teacher, to share that God created the whole world and that it was once darkness. They both embraced it and enjoyed coloring all the activities that we did to learn all about the beautiful creation that God created with His hands! Also, in school, they enjoyed the pool most days for recess. We are so blessed to have our pool....I love it!

Tyler and I went bowling by ourselves one day when Abi was at a play date with her BFF.  He loves bowling and with anything with Tyler, he can become so addicted and fixated on the idea of doing something. He can never get enough of the idea in his head, which often times proves to be a very challenging adventure for us. He bowled great - scoring over 100 in both games. He loved every minute of it and was kicking and screaming the whole way out. Oh well, at least time was spent just him and mom and hopefully he left with a good memory of bowling.

Abi had a play date here at  the house with her BFF, Molly. They are such two peas in a pod. They could play and laugh for hours. They went to school for a few years together during preschool. And now that moved we don't see her too often. But when they see each other, they have never skipped a beat. I pray this is a relationship they both have for a long time.

Markus was gone for 10 very long days in Texas for work. We aren't use to having him gone for such a long period of time. I don't think it would have been so bad, except he was gone for 8 days just two week prior. We survived and pray that doesn't happen again in the near future. It's much harder on the kids these days and watching your children ache because they miss their dad, just crushes my heart and makes the days harder for me.

While Markus was gone, Abi and I had fun planted some flowers in the backyard. She follows in her mom's footsteps...she loves planting. We found lots of empty pots on the side of the house and filled them with our favorites. Our porch and back yard really smile now and makes me smile when I see them. While we planted, Tyler was swimming and have fun spraying the hose everywhere. Abi would get side tracked and would go looking for caterpillars, her long lost love.

I went to Women of Faith here in Anaheim with my sister, Rebekah. It was so great to go. Thanks mom, for letting us go. (My mom now works for WoF!!)  I was so moved by Sheila Walsh and really want to get her new book about trust. She talked about fully trusting God. One question that I haven't be able to answer is at what point in time did I stop trusting? Trusting God? Trusting others? Trusting Markus? Do you feel a thin veil between you and others to protect yourself? Are you only willing to love and trust as much as your are willing to loose? Some tough questions, that I have yet to answer. A powerful weekend...one I never want to end.

We celebrated Abi's 6th birthday. It was stressing and yet so fun this year for her to be so involved with the planning and decorating. As they get older, it gets harder to not do everything they want, to make their day that much more special. She so appreciates all we did to make her day everything she had dreamed of. Oh to be 6! We are in serious trouble I know in the years to come. Lord, help us. haha.



September you've been good us. Thank you for the memories I can now hold onto.

Abi Turns 6!

My darling daughter, Abigail, turned 6 today! I can't believe it...she is growing up so fast. I love the little girl she is becoming. She has such a beautiful heart, loves to laugh, is very girly, puts up well with her brother, and has trouble keeping her room clean.....

....Side note.... she's been wanted a dog for a long time now, but mom and dad aren't ready to take care of a pet again. So, we keep reminding her that if she can keep her room clean for 2 weeks, then mom and dad would get a dog...so far, after several months we have yet to go one week. I know one day that famous day will come...but until then we are pet free and mom and dad are happy. haha.

Back on topic....

Abi loves the following....laughing, cuddle time, learning, playing and catching all kinds of insects, gardening, taking pictures, dressing up, watching movies, swimming, cooking, wearing make up and jewelry, bling-bling, reading books, singing worship songs to Jesus.

She has been taking a cooking class for the last 6 months and it is so her! She goes once a week for  1.5 hours and cooks all kinds of things. It's a good thing I have become a good cook and enjoy cooking, because she loves helping me with everything in  the kitchen. She even unloaded the whole dishwasher and put everything away and then washed all the dishes in the sink by hand and put those away. It's such a big help....surely I could get used to it! All that money for cooking class is finally paying off. haha.

I love homeschooling her because she is just the best student ever. She loves "going to school" and is so eager to learn. She is dying to read, so we are working really hard on that. We are very close. She isn't very strong with her numbers, unlike Tyler, but today we counted to 100! It was a joyous moment for me. She is also learning about money; how you can turn all those coins into "green dollars", how checks are money (thanks to Grandma and Grandpa). She loves to spend money, what girl doesn't, but also trying to teach her about tithing and saving...both are hard concepts to digest.

Abi just learned to swim a month or so ago...yes we do have a pool, but she just wouldn't take the leap and try on her own. She tends to be very timid and has a hard time reaching out and being brave....not a risk taker in any sense of word. So finally one day she decided to give it a try and swam across the whole pool by herself. Two weeks later, she is diving all the way picking up dive sticks and the nuts/peaches that fall to the bottom. Mind you, we have an 11 foot deep pool! She has turned into a mermaid overnight! It's so exciting to sit back and rejoice with her in her accomplishments.

She has a very funny sense of humor. She told me the other day that she wants to stay 6 years old and not be old like me...well thanks dear! lol! When Markus tells her that he loves her, she jokes back with him and says she likes him too! She decided one day to start asking Markus when he came home from a meeting or work - well, dad, so how was your day?!?!

Here are some pictures of her first 6 years of life....