This is it!

I have started on a weight loss journey....

I know, I know, I've done it a thousand times and said it a thousand times before, "I'm going to loose weight and go on such-n-such diet." (At least to Markus I've said that!)

Well, this time is different!!

I am pronouncing to my family and friends for the first time ever, that I'm not turning back and I am doing this!

This is it!

Trust me, I'm scared to death. I have never shared this part of my life with any one except for Markus. I don't talk about my weight with others, I ignore that it's there. I don't want to turn back, I want this time to be drastically different.

I have always struggled with my weight, even when I was growing up. But it has gotten out of hand in the last several years and I'm just plain disgusted with myself and how I look. As I look in the mirror now, I actually don't look, but when I have to, I hate what I see. That's not Amber. That's some fat girl just looking at me. I can't accept how I look and the size that I am. I hate this body that I'm living in. I like the insides of that person, but not the outside. I'm hoping this journey will help me appreciate and maybe even like the person on the outside and love more the person on the inside too!

I was diagnosed several years ago with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which makes loosing weight extremely hard, compared to the average person. I also was recently diagnosed with a Metabolic Disorder. So, loosing weight is not on my side. Yes, I've been on many other diets, but to no avail. I have only been able to loose about 20lbs and then it stops. I either give up (for some dumb reason) or I can't loose any more.

I'm tired of the excuses I give myself and that is why I have decided to join HMR (Health Management Resources) through UC Irvine. It is medically supervised weight management program. I meet with a doctor on a weekly basis, go to a support group once a week, and get blood work done every two weeks.

I only eat/drink a minimum prescription of 5 shakes a day which are only 100 calories each. (Yes, only 500 calories a day!)I also can eat their hot multigrain cereal. Other than that, I drink lots of water or diet drinks. So basically, an all liquid diet...fun huh!?

Well, not so fun, but I'm doing it!

The first week, I was very tired and had headaches a lot! I kept pushing through each hour of the day, drinking my way through each day....one shake at a time.

In this week, was a birthday and Mother's Day, that I had to celebrate. I really wrestled with myself about these two events. You see, all growing up, we would celebrate with food and so that's all I've done all these 33 years...celebrate with food. So, how was I suppose to celebrate a birthday and Mother's Day if I couldn't eat? I had to redefine what celebration meant to me....it was spending time with the people that I love and enjoying their company...without food!

So at the end of the week I made it! :)  I did it...I stayed on the diet for a whole week! I was so proud of myself...I do have some determination in this fat body of mine! I lost 9lbs the first week!

"Wow, I can do this"....I said to myself! :)

The second week, I have felt really good. My mood was much better. I have much more energy. I am more happy overall...just plain proud of me! I doubled my physical activity this week. I still need to be doing more, but at least I am meeting my goals. My goal this week for physical activity was 14 minutes every day and I did it! I lost another 5.4lbs! I am surely on my way and I can't wait. Each week I am more motivated to keep on keeping on and prove to myself that yes I can do this!

My goal weight is a long ways away, but week by week, I am getting closer. :)